Poets Theater/ Ellen Pober Rittberg

Olga was performing at the Stray Dog Cabaret in the basement of building No. 5 St. Michael’s Square, not far from Nevsky Prospect. Anna was going to the Stray Dog and was just as excited as she was when she was going to the Tower for the first time. 

An excerpt from Sci Fi

 

TIME: The near future.

 

AT RISE: (PROLOGUE)

The stage should be dark except for a lone figure, RICK, who crouches center stage. He turns on           a 1980’s[1980s’] mini tape recorder

 

VOICE ON RECORDER

We hold these truths to be self-evident.

 

                                                  RICK

                                                  (recites rapidly)

We hold these truths to be self-evident.

 

 

                                        ACT I SCENE 1– A LEADERSHIP HOME 

                   

A large room without doors or walls with the exception of a low toilet partition. All the fixtures are gold. A large red ring hangs from a thick red chain center stage. RICK, a plumber,  fixes a  toilet bowl while kneeling on the floor next to the partition. SHANA, a Leadership[leadership] wife, lazes on a couch.

 

The MONITOR goes on with a squeal. Rick freezes and lowers his body into a servile full-body bow. SHANA rolls off the couch and grabs a slipper from the floor. She crouches.

 

                                                  MONITOR

The working class will taint our water supply and our foodstuff. Contact with workers must be avoided at all cost as per Section One B subsection One. Failure to stand at attention for public service announcements is punishable under Section Ten.

 

(SHANA sculks around the perimeter of the room while scrutinizing the monitor. She stops, holds the slipper just a tad above her head. She is testing the range of the Monitor. RICK cranes his head, astounded and transfixed. Shana has forgotten he is there.)

                                       

                                                  MONITOR

A vigilant citizenry is the vanguard against vile worker contagion. Do your part.

 

(The MONITOR squeals again and then goes silent. SHANA drops the slipper, claps her hands, and laughs. She plops down on the floor and wraps her hands around her knees.)

 

                                                            SHANA

                                        (punching the air)

Yes! Oh yes oh yes oh yes!                                                                             

 

(RICK returns to his previous crouched position silently and returns to his work on the commode.)

 

                                                            RICK

                                         (clears his throat)

Hello.

 

                                                  SHANA

                              (Startled. Unnerved.)

How dare you!

 

                                                  RICK 

Good day. Top of the morn.

 

                                                  SHANA

Regulation 484 prohibits communication between the classes and the penalty for workers is …

                                       

                                                  RICK                        SHANA

                                          Death.                                      Death!

 

                                                  RICK

                                        (he faces her)

I greeted you.

 

                                                  SHANA

You addressed me.

         

                                                  RICK

                                         (rises)

It was well within the bounds of civility and good taste.

                                                 

                                                  SHANA

You are breaking the law!

                                                 

                                                  RICK

                                        (miming a whipping

                                        motion with his cloth)

The last time someone said that, he underscored his point with a potent electrical instrument.

 

                                                  SHANA

You should have been put down.

 

                                                  RICK

An anachronistic phrase. From when there were pets, dogs.

 

                                                 

SHANA

                                        (not comprehending)

Then why are you still alive? Don’t answer. No. Do.

 

                                                  RICK 

The man told me to speak, so I did. Then he beat me for speaking, which he seemed to enjoy, seeing that he normally got so little physical exertion. Then he made me dance which I think also amused him, my dancing skills being sorely deficient.    

                                                 

                                                  SHANA

Enough.

                                       

                                                  RICK

I greeted you because that was what people once did.

 

(SHANA steps closer to the ring.)

 

                                                  SHANA

Would you like me to pull the ring?

 

                                                  RICK

You’re taking a stand by not pulling it.

 

(HE crouches down. Continues working.)

 

                                                  RICK (cont)

The ability to think independently used to be … admired.

 

(SHANA grabs a kitchen chair and walks toward him, tiger trainer-style. He bobs and weaves while still crouching. He loses his balance and falls over to one side.)

 

                                                  RICK (cont)

                                            (rapidly)

I’m sorry. I’m truly deeply sorry.         

 

                                                  SHANA

For what?

 

                                                  RICK

For living? For … whatever offends you.

 

                                                  SHANA

You‘ll say anything to save your skin. Do you want me to pull the ring? 

 

                                                            SHANA (cont)

Don’t look at me!

 

                                        (HE turns his head away from her.)

 

                                                  SHANA (cont)

Turn around. All the way around.

 

(He turns around. The MONITOR switches on.

 

SHANA stands stiffly at attention. RICK falls to the ground. Freezes.)

 

                                                  VOICE ON MONITOR

It has been determined after much deliberation by the Feminine Committee that this month’s official color shall be powder blue. All government buildings will be decorated in powder blue bunting with a pink accent. Anyone wishing to buy home furnishings in those colors will receive a twenty percent discount.

 

(The MONITOR switches off. RICK rises.)

 

                                                  SHANA

You’re dangerous.

 

                                                  RICK

The labor-screening committee permits me to go into Leadership[leadership] homes.

 

                                                  SHANA

What did you see?

 

                                                  RICK

I saw nothing. I was installing the commode.

 

                                                  SHANA

Liar! What do you want?

 

(RICK lifts his head, looks at her.)

                                                 

                                                  RICK

Your ear, metaphorically speaking.

 

                                                  SHANA

Insolent worker! Why did you speak to me?

 

(RICK takes two portions of a pipe and begins putting them together. He stares warily at the monitor.)

                                                 

                                                  RICK

Because it’s lonely at the bottom?

 

(SHANA walks over to the ring. Holds her hand inches from it.)

                                                 

                                                  RICK

All right. I’m acting on a hunch. I’m making an educated guess.

 

                                                  SHANA

                                        (laughs)

That’s highly amusing. You never went to school a day in your life.

 

                                                  RICK 

Low blow, and untrue. To be uneducated is … a curse. Fortunately it’s not my curse. Of course, I didn’t go to “the best schools.”

 

                                                  SHANA

Or the worst schools. 

 

                                                  RICK 

Worker children go to school. But my education goes beyond that. I’m self-educated.

 

                                                  SHANA

                                        (laughs derisively)

How can an ignoramus teach himself?

 

(The MONITOR switches on. RICK falls to the ground. SHANA stands at attention.)

 

                                        VOICE ON MONITOR

It has come to the attention of the Leadership[leadership] that a worker fell into a reservoir in Quadrant 5. All Leadership[leadership] in Quadrant 5 shall drink bottled water until further notice.

 

                                                  SHANA

You workers disgust me. Every last one of you.

 

                                                  RICK

I provide a necessary function for a necessary function.

 

                                                  SHANA

The Five Year[Five-Year] Plan will create more robots and that will be your death-knell. Until then, you’re a necessary evil.

                                                 

                                                  RICK

I get the necessary part. It’s the evil part I don’t understand.                                                       

                                                           

(RICK unbolts the toilet. He holds  the replacement bolt up. 

                                                 

RICK (cont)

This part doesn’t fit.

 

(He slaps his paper on the table and quickly takes five steps back. SHE signs it. He exits. She stares at the door, a troubled look on her face. She busies herself by trying on an assortment of hats.

 

LIGHTS DOWN.

 

                                       

                                        ACT I Scene 2- A Sterile Laboratory

 

RICK and A WORKER WOMAN stand close together, bound and swathed within one mummy-like jersey fabric. Her face is veiled; his is not. Their movements should be exaggerated and almost comical. A bell RINGS. Even though they are fully clothed, it should be clear to the audience that they are having sex. He leans his head forward so that his mouth is very close to her ear.

                                                           

                                                            RICK

                                                  (whispers)

Is this what you want for your children or your children’s children?

 

                                                            WOMAN

Silence!

                                                           

                                                            RICK

Just talk to me a little. Please?

 

                                                            WOMAN

It’s against the rules.

                                                 

                                                            RICK

It helps me.

 

                                                            WOMAN

Are you sure?

 

                                                            RICK

Yes.

         

                                                            WOMAN

Well, if it helps you produce your … quantity.

 

                                                            RICK

Quantity and … ahhh … uhhh … quality, it’s what I’m all about.

 

                                                            WOMAN

I recognize you from your photo. You’re in the Super Breeder Gallery, I’m sure you know.

 

(THEIR motions speed up and their speech becomes more labored and halting as they progress.)

                                                           

                                                            RICK

                                                  (somewhat breathless)

Oh. I ahhhh … didn’t know.       

                                                                     

                                                            WOMAN

You should … uhhhhh go … see it.

 

                                                            RICK

Why?

 

                                                            WOMAN

                                                  (increasingly labored speech)

It’s a privilege you’re entitled to, a field trip out of our Quadrant. I’m in the Gallery, too.

 

                                                            RICK

Ahh right-o. Will do. And I sure … uuumh … ahhh …

                                                  (whisper-sings

Don’t get around much any more[anymore].

 

(SHE pulls away from him momentarily.)

                                                            RICK

Don’t stop. Not now.

                                                           

                                                            WOMAN

What is that?

                                       

                                                            RICK

Ignore me. And you’re right. Maybe it’s best we don’t … talk.

 

                                                            WOMAN

But you said …

 

                                                            RICK

What really helps is … ah … ah … not stopping in the middle.

                                                           

                                                            WOMAN

The exhibition said you had the highest number of consecutive completed acts. Is it true?

                                                           

                                                            RICK

I’m a regularrrrrrrr … teapot. Tip me over and pour me out.

 

                                                            WOMAN

The Leadership[leadership] told me they’d elevate me to the next level if I help increase your rate and quantity. It means more food, more caloric intake for both of us.

 

                                                            RICK

Well, let’s then.

 

                                                            WOMAN

                                                  (breathless)

Oh, yes. Let’s.

 

(RICK moans, closes his eyes, shakes and the pair stop moving. He reaches for the bell on the table and RINGS it.)

                                                           

                                                            RICK

“I’m ready for my clothes off, Mr. DeMille.”

 

                                                            WOMAN

I don’t understand you. Are you a subversive?

                                                           

                                                            RICK

Of course not. Just ignore me. Post-coital nothingness.

 

(A second bell RINGS.)

                                                           

                                                            RICK (cont)

Hoo. Just made it. Under the wire.

 

(A PROCTOR materializes. He holds what appears to be a soup ladle which he uses to push the couple apart and to catch any stray excess “reproductive material.”   The Proctor peers into the now-small gulf between the couple, who remain largely swathed in the jersey material from neck to toe. The Proctor puts his hands on RICK’S shoulders as if to steady him.)

                             

                                                            RICK (cont)

                                                       (to the Proctor)

Not to worry. The last thing I’d want to do is spill my seed. Not to mention it would require an instant do-over session and a cut in my daily ration to teach me a lesson.

 

(RICK bends down to indicate he is pulling up his pants. He straightens himself and  carefully spills what appears to be a condom into the proctor’s large pot. The Proctor unwinds the jersey material from the couple. Both RICK and the Woman are fully clothed in worker’s uniforms, him in overall and her in a chambermaid’s uniform.)

 

                                                            RICK (cont)

                                                  (to the veiled woman)

Well, it’s been … real. And thanks for the info. Who knew I’m a regular King Solomon.

                                                           

                                                            WOMAN

Who? Shhh. They’re coming.

                   

                                                            RICK
I’m sure they’ll cut me some slack now that I’m in the Big Leagues.     

                                                           

(The PROCTOR reappears and  grabs RICK around the neck.)                         

         

                                                            RICK

                                                  (gasping for breath)

Guess not.             

 

                                                 

 

 

ELLEN POBER RITTBERG is a playwright and poet. Her full-length poetry book, He is Walking Wider (Kelsay Books) and two humorous self-help books about caregiving, Why is Grandma Naked? Caring for Your Aging Parent (Amazon) and parenting, 35 Things Your Teen Won’t Tell You, So I Will (Amazon, Turner Publishing) are based on personal experience and theories derived from 29 years as an attorney who represented children, people on psychiatric units, and senior citizens. An award-winning journalist, Rittberg has had essays published in The New York Times, HuffPost, Reader’s Digest, Newsday, New York Daily News, and other large online platforms. Her political plays, Sci Fi and Sabbath Elevator about authoritarianism and me too[is Sabbath Elevator about authoritarianism and me too a title?], have been performed on zoom recently and at festivals in NYC and Long Island.