Characters:
MAXIMO: Blue manakin, alpha male
EGELBERT: Blue manakin, beta male, likely successor to Maximo for alpha status
SOREN: Blue manakin, beta male
COOPER: Blue manakin, young, interns for Maximo’s troupe
THEODORA: Blue manakin, female, played by actor who plays Cooper
SETTING
Tree branch
MAXIMO
It’s not enough to look good! To have the bluest plumage and the reddest heads! Gentlemen! It comes down to timing! How well we sing! How well we dance! We haven’t been rehearsing for years so the female can walk out in the middle of the performance, have we, gentlemen?
EGELBERT
No, sir.
SOREN
Definitely not.
MAXIMO
…Cooper??
COOPER
Oh, mmm…me? Oh, yeah, no way!
MAXIMO
Good, young beta birds, good.
(Pep talk mode)
What are we doing this for?
EGELBERT
Copulation!
MAXIMO
That is the correct answer. If all goes well, then I, Maximo, will get to mate with this special lady, whoever she is. Then, she’ll go off to raise our children single-handedly, never to be seen again. We must be the superior blue manakin dance group of this lek! Bring your Alpha-game, because one day, you, Egelbert, or perhaps even you, Soren, will succeed me as alpha male. And as for you, Cooper, well… we’ll talk when you outgrow your juvenile plumage. Just remember, in Shakespeare’s plays, it was always the men who played the lady parts.
COOPER
Yes, Maximo.
MAXIMO
So it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
COOPER
Oh, yes, Maximo.
MAXIMO
Right then. So, Cooper, you’ll stand in for the special mystery female. Over here, on the edge of the branch.
(COOPER gets into position, ready to take on the role of discerning female bird.)
As for the rest of you, backwards leapfrog display!
(EGELBERT and SOREN get into position behind MAXIMO. They stand on the branch in single file behind COOPER. Music plays while they perform the following routine between 20-200 times, or whatever the actors can put up with: MAXIMO flies up off the branch. EGELBERT scoots into MAXIMO’s place, and SOREN moves up to EGELBERT’S place. MAXIMO flies to the back of the line, and the whole thing is repeated, with EGELBERT flying up off the branch, and the others, moving forward. This can be performed with props instead of human bodies. At some point in the middle of this rehearsal, COOPER flies away.)
STOP! Cooper, you get back here!
(COOPER returns at once.)
COOPER
Sorry sir, I thought I was supposed to fly away if it was bad.
MAXIMO
Listen, men! Breeding season has begun and I intend to see some action! We haven’t been perfecting our moves so the intern can walk out in the middle of the show!
COOPER
I’m really sorry, I—
MAXIMO
Quiet! Let’s work on our duets. Soren, Cooper, take 10. Egelbert, we’ll work on, “O Sweet Manakin, Let Me Be the Man to Fertilize Your Offspring.”
EGELBERT
I thought perhaps we’d work on “Summer Rains, You Never Can Predict Them.”
MAXIMO
We want to come across as romantic, not sappy. I’m cutting that number.
EGELBERT
The other song gives me laryngitis.
MAXIMO
Fine, I’ll get Soren to do it!
EGELBERT
No, wait, I actually love the song!
MAXIMO
So why do you fly around as if you are Bob Fosse, huh?
EGELBERT
I humbly—
MAXIMO
You think you are Mr. Smoothmoves.
EGELBERT
Forgive—
MAXIMO
If you want your turn as alpha you have to work for it like the rest of us. Most of these birds will never be alpha; never copulate; always dance and sing to attract a mate for some other bird. Is that the life you want?
EGELBERT
No, Maximo!
MAXIMO
Then, Egelbert, you will have to learn to cooperate. Talent is not enough!
EGELBERT
I understand!
MAXIMO
Good. You are a good beta bird. Are you ready to sing, Egelbert?
EGELBERT
Yes, very ready.
MAXIMO and EGELBERT
(Sung)
O, sweet manakin, I’m sure my beauty moves you
O, sweet manakin, surely it behooves you
To stay and watch this whole display
To say yay and not say nay
To lay my eggs in March or May
O, sweet manakin, for the sake-a
my poor heart, open your cloaca!
Open your cloaca! Open your cloaca!
EGELBERT
How did I do?
MAXIMO
Well, it was … have you ever worked with a dialect coach?
EGELBERT
I have perfect pitch.
MAXIMO
With your German accent, some of the language may not—
EGELBERT
A love song is about music, not words. The words could be anything.
MAXIMO
Touche. Soren! Cooper! Break’s over! Where are you lazy birds?
(SOREN and COOPER, fly back, laughing together over some private joke.)
We are not in the comedy business, betas! We are doing pure romance! Get it together and we’ll take it from the top! Places!
(BIRDS take places for backwards leapfrog display. Fluttering is heard. THEODORA, a female blue manakin, alights on a nearby branch.)
A lady! Now is my chance! Places, birds!
(MAXIMO flies to THEODORA’s branch. EGELBERT and SOREN follow, so that they are arranged in single file behind MAXIMO.)
Good afternoon, Madam!
THEODORA
Stop talking and start dancing.
MAXIMO
Why, of course!
(“You’re a Grand Old Flag” starts playing. EGELBERT and SOREN sing along with great enthusiasm, while MAXIMO stares aghast.)
STOP! STOP! STOP!
(Music stops abruptly, in the middle of a lyric.)
THEODORA
I love that song! I actually wrote it.
MAXIMO
Now— what is your name?
THEODORA
Theodora.
MAXIMO
Dora, dearest, nobody doubts that you are a very fine bird, but we all know that song, which is now in the public domain, was written by George M. Cohan.
THEODORA
He plagiarized me.
MAXIMO
Pardon that whole episode. Will you please allow us to begin again?
THEODORA
Who’s that cutie behind you with the sky blue underbelly?
EGELBERT
Me, perhaps?
THEODORA
No.
MAXIMO
Then you must mean Soren.
THEODORA
Soren!
SOREN
Hello.
THEODORA
What a great name! I once pooped on a copy of Fear and Trembling!
SOREN
Um.
THEODORA
I’d like to get a closer look at you, Soren.
SOREN
That’s super nice, but I’m not the alpha.
THEODORA
You are if I say you are.
(SOREN gingerly approaches THEODORA.)
Yes, look at you. I much prefer your appearance to those others. I don’t really care about getting to know you, seeing as I’ll never see you again, but, do tell me how you got to be so beautiful!
SOREN
Uh, you know, preferences and display traits coevolved over millions of years.
THEODORA
He’s a smooth talker too! Tell me, do you find me pretty?
SOREN
You look like a supermodel.
THEODORA
Would you like to sire my offspring?
SOREN
Look, Theodora, I don’t think you understand. I’m not eligible. I’m ineligible. If you like our dance routine, you mate with Maximo. He’s our alpha.
THEODORA
I haven’t even seen your full routine.
MAXIMO
Please allow us to entertain you with our production, which has been perfected over several years.
THEODORA
You birds talk too much.
MAXIMO
We detest to talk! We prefer the singing and the dancing!
THEODORA
I’d like some popcorn.
MAXIMO
Most Magnanimous Madam, we have only blueberries.
THEODORA
You gentlemen surely wouldn’t expect me to sit through your laggard matinee without appropriate snacks?
MAXIMO
If there weren’t so few of you female manakins relative to the many of us man manakins, we would not have to put up with such caprices!
THEODORA
Hypotheticals bore me.
MAXIMO
Of course, dear bird, please forgive my little outburst. I’ll have the intern pop some up right now. Cooper! Cooper! Cooper, you slothful junior, get over here and pop some popcorn! Where the F is that bird?
SOREN
I’d be happy to go find some popcorn. There’s a dumpster outside that movie theater just 20 miles from here—
THEODORA
No, Kierkegaard. You stay.
EGELBERT
I s’pose this is the part where I should volunteer.
(Silence as BIRDS wait in vain for this to happen.)
THEODORA
You know what? I’ve lost my appetite.
MAXIMO
Please, Theodora, we’re begging you!
EGELBERT
Look at how he supplicates! Disgusting. This display of groveling makes me seasick. I AM ALSO VERY HANDSOME BIRD!
THEODORA
I like the groveling. It’s sexy.
MAXIMO
It’s all over, boys! No popcorn means no copulation! Years of toil for nothing!
THEODORA
O, Maximo. Your histrionics are completely unnecessary. Do your dance, and if it’s good, and I mean really good, we can have it off.
(The refrain of “April Showers” by Louis Silvers and Buddy De Sylva begins to play, as all of the birds, including THEODORA dance. Easter eggs rain down from the sky. END OF PLAY.)
MOLLY KIRSCHNER is a playwright and poet. She is a resident playwright of Rising Sun Performance Company. Her play L’appel du Vide had a workshop production at Under St. Marks Theater in New York City in 2017, directed by Jean Randich. A monologue from this play was included in Best Men’s Stage Monologues 2018, edited by Lawrence Harbison. Her play Vagabonds has had staged readings at The Kraine Theater (New York City), Dixon Place (New York City), and the Writers Theatre of New Jersey (Madison, N.J.). Kirschner has published two books of poetry. Rising Sun Performance Company, in its Rites of Spring Festival, presented online the premiere of Blue Man Manakins in March 2021.